Reframing Failure

The fear of making mistakes can weigh us down heavily. Is it even possible to break free of that weight?

Why Is Failure Such a Big Deal?

If you are anything like me, you may have learned growing up that failure is a bad thing, something to absolutely fear and avoid at all costs. Furthermore, we may learn that failure isn’t just about us, either—it can also be about how we’re seen by others, which can even extend to how our family is perceived to be seen in a community.

Failure becomes this shameful thing, a reflection, not just of our efforts, but of our worth.

And so, a message starts getting deeply embedded: do not fail at any cost. And if you do? Then maybe you’re a failure too.

Playing It Safe

So we play it safe. We stick to what we know we can do, over-prepare, overcompensate—anything to avoid failing. And for a while, it feels like that works. Until the day it doesn’t. I’ve seen this happen to myself and other people who’ve never failed at anything in their lives—aced every exam, breezed through every challenge - and then, later on, they fail at something that really matters and it shatters them. Their mental health takes a toll, and may even have a breakdown. In some cases, it might even cause medically unexplained symptoms.

The thing is, failure isn’t optional. If you’re truly alive and daring to live, you will fail. Not just once, but many times. And that’s okay.

What’s the worst that could happen, really? The earth will keep turning. Life will go on. However just hearing this, won’t take that inner queasy pain away, does it? It does not take the fear away, either.

Where Does This Fear Come From?

I’ve been asking myself: why is failure such a big deal? Why is there so much fear wrapped around it? Is it really as bad as I’ve been led to believe? Unless we truly take the time to examine ourselves, we might be fooled into believing it is.

When I reflected on how this association, that failure is something to fear, could have formed, it took me back to my own childhood. I remember being told off for getting things wrong, for failing at small things. The message I absorbed was that if I couldn’t do something right, then I wasn’t just failing at the task—I was the failure. And there was no in-between. It was a black and white world, then. Either you succeed and you’re good, or you fail and you’re not enough.

Photo by Anika Huizinga on Unsplash

A New Way to See Failure

I’ve started to see failure differently. One idea really helped me reframe this. Think about the context of a baby learning to walk.

Did you know that researchers have found that toddlers fall upto 17 times per hour on average? We do not think of babies as failures, when they take their time to walk, despite multiple failed attempts. We don’t say the baby is failing to walk, we cheer them on. We say they’re learning. They fall over and over again, but we encourage them, we smile, we clap, we stimulate. We don’t expect them to get it perfect the first time.

We can accept this. It is very natural for us. So why don’t we treat ourselves the same way? Why do we lose that patience, that kindness?

While there may have been external factors in play, the answers to those barriers lie within us, if we are willing to listen.

When we are young, we don’t have agency, our minds had to frame ideas about ourselves, others and the world in a way to help us survive those time. However, now, we are safe adults, we have agency now, we have control, we can reframe and most importantly, we can choose how we see and respond to failures. While it may take practice, recognition is always the first big step.

A Friend, Not a Foe

Reframing contexts of failure has also helped me. When I fail at something, while I may have a moment of wailing, I then re-parent myself: my idea may have failed, my attempts may have not worked, but I am not a failure! I have merely learned another thing that won’t work.

It has helped me to remember that image of a baby learning to walk, often. To hold onto that same compassion for ourselves. The truth is, as long as we are alive, we will continue to have moments of failure. Therefore, it is about time we made it our friend, It does not define us from the outside, so let us not give it the power to define us from the inside. Every stumble and fall is part of the process. The more comfortable we get with failing, the more of a friendly companion it becomes. When failure becomes an expected friend we may be meeting again, we can learn to be less afraid and more familiar of it. We can then show up in our lives as our true selves, taking risks, and living fully. It’s really freeing, if you just let yourself stop trying to avoid failure and instead allow it to teach you.

Ofcourse, the fear might not disappear entirely, and that’s okay. We don’t need to completely silence it. Instead, we can listen to it, hold space for it, even learn from it. Each time it shows up, it points us to something deeper—our fears, our stories, our growth edges.

Rising Again

So here’s what I’m reminding myself: failure isn’t the end, its not something to be afraid of. It’s just a step along the way. The more we embrace it, the more we can rise from it. And when we do, we’ll see—it was never about falling. It was always about getting back up, learning, and becoming. And that’s how we grow. That’s how we live.

With the new year coming, and along with it, there may be resolutions or goals that you may set for next year. Why not try going into the new year assessing and reframing your relationship with failure, you might be surprised by the rippling effect it may have, like it did for me, for the year ahead.

What has helped you the most to reshape your relationship with failure?

Here’s some journal prompts to try:

• Reflect on what you fear most about failing. ‘If I fail, it means ___’

• What messages about failure do you hold and where did they come from?

• How have you coped with failure in the past? What was helpful and unhelpful about those?

• How would you like your future self to be able to cope with failure?

• What does your inner self need to be able to see failure as a friend, not a foe?

• What is a safe mantra that you can come up with that will hold as a reminder to validate this?

Some Affirmations that has helped me cope with failure:

• This mistake/failure does not define. I am still my own beautiful self and that is enough.

• I am enough. I am loved. I am safe.

• I am growing and learning every day.

• I deserve to not be judged by my mistakes.